Why is it that I am boiling mad right now about a comment made on someone elses blog that appears to have been directed at me? I know I should just blow it off but it's been a LONG time since I read something so incredibly insensitive and outright rude.
I know it's not the bloggers fault. She brought up a valid but emotional question as to whether or not we (as a society) SHOULD do something just because we CAN. A valid question and one worth debating RESPECTFULLY. I enjoy debating issues (High School debate nerd here) but the key phrase is 'issues'. Once a debate degenerates into emotion it is no longer productive- it is a simple fact that an argument based on emotion cannot be won. I have prided myself on being able to remain rational (comes back to training) and yet here I am, dissolving into a lump of anger.
Through our struggle with infertility we had to do a lot of 'educating' of people. I expected that and most people were genuinely caring but sometimes said something stupid because their mouths moved faster than their brains. Goodness knows I've done that before (I'm probably doing it right now!). At the time, things like IVF were newish and many people didn't quite 'get' it. No problem.
One of the tenets of the debate on said blog included infertility treatments and lifesaving measures for premature babies. I related our experience with Bethany's birth miracle and concluded that there is no one right answer. The 'right' thing to do in any of these circumstances must be resolved on a case-by-case basis given the individual situation.
I was more than a little surprised to see the follow-up comment from someone who determined that since, in her own apparently extensive observation, people who have fertility treatments also have troubled pregnancies, that it MUST mean God did not intend for those people to become biological parents. Seriously. I never expected the 'God didn't intend for you to be parents' comment again in this life but there it is. And it pisses me off as much today as it did a decade ago when we were literally sacrificing everything we had to make our little family happen.
There was the familiar follow up of 'there are so many children in the world just WAITING for a home...' That's not the first time I've heard that comment either. I get that people say it because it ties up things nicely in their own minds. After all, parents need a child and there's a child who need parents- problem solved! In a perfect world, it would solve the problem.
Except it doesn't work that way. I always died when people said "Why don't you guys just adopt?" There is no 'just' preceding the word adopt. Ever. Adoption is an excruciatingly difficult journey. Anyone who has watched loved ones go through this (or personally been there) knows this.
I have a friend whose already adopted daughter died in an African orphanage because the political obstacles could not be cleared. She died 2 YEARS AFTER the adoption. This same friend has two more adopted children still in that orphanage and she's STILL trying to get them home. Still- nearly 3 years AFTER they took her money and her heart.
This solution is also a favorite of SOME of those who can have their own kids because, as parents, they feel compassion toward the less fortunate kids in the world. Let me say this clearly- MY obligation to adopt as an infertile person is NO GREATER than your own. So, unnamed commenter, if you feel so strongly about the plight of these children that you invalidate the existence of my own why didn't you adopt rather than having biological kids (insert your own personal reasons and excuses here)?
I'm going to exhale now. I'm blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy kids. HOW they came to this world and the circumstances around it are not all that important. What's important is that we have them.
My heart goes out to all my bloggy friends who are fighting infertility with treatments, adoption or fostering. There are many paths and we all have to do what works for us. Even though a lot of time has passed since I was in that phase of my life, it's amazing how it never really leaves you. The struggle we endured made us strong. Our children are valid human beings who deserve to be here EVEN IF they were conceived with medical intervention and required a 5 week stay in the NICU at birth. And I'm going to shut up now and go hug them.
Have you ever been offended by a comment? Did you handle it more gracefully than I just did? I did resist the urge to lambast said 'unammed commenter' on the other blog because ignorance is a form of disability. Maybe he/she didn't realize how crappy their comment was. Maybe they didn't read my comment at all so he/she had no idea. Maybe when I calm down I can educate him/her- I doubt it though. I suppose in the end I'll just have to hope that the person has a change of heart someday- and that it's NOT caused by needing the kinds of interventions for a loved one they were just dissing.
Obligatory "Thankful" Post
1 week ago
32 comments:
I have some good news for you woman! Come over and see here:
http://trying2staycalm.blogspot.com/2009/07/popcorn-and-posh-puppy-winners.html
Oh hon. You are so right - these things SHOULD be decided on a case by case basis, and rude, ignorant blanket statements should not be made based on things people know nothing about. Sometimes blogging makes us feel really vulnerable because of all of the different opinions (and judging) out there, doesn't it?
Remember my anonymous commenter from last week? Yeah, I was feeling about the same as you are right now. (Hugs)
I used to read too many anti-Mormon blogs and spend literally hours trying to respectfully clear up inaccuracies only to be called a lot of impolite names. My husband finally convinced me to stop wasting my time arguing; they didn't want to know the truth, they had made up their minds.
You actually might have a good point, that even fertile couples might spend a little more time thinking about adopting or fostering before making babies themselves, there are a lot of needy children out there.
But truly, I think being a parent, however it comes to be, is more for the growth of the mom and dad than the child anyway. Kids turn out pretty good, one way or another, despite our weaknesses and mistakes, but I can't think of any other way in the universe to teach people about love and sacrifice quite as perfectly as being a parent.
Finally, I suggest you do make a follow up comment and call that person out. Telling someone God must not have wanted them to have kids is pretty horrible! And clearly untrue.
I am sorry your feelings were hurt.
I always say...
Do I respect the person who made the comment...if not..I really do not care what they think or say.
I find that it helps with not "being" offended...
and lets all agree
some people really do not know when to keep their mouths shut...
Hang in there...
I sometimes find myself on message boards with non autistic people who are married to autistic people. It is crushing what is out there to read about ones self, just cause your brain is wired a bit differently. I think it's when so many generalizations are made.
*hugs* You know you made the right decision for your family. Embrace it.
I totally understand your anger over a callous and misguided comment. Just because a person is alive doesn't make that person an expert on life.
There are alot of people in the world who feel that they, and only they, know what is right and have a hard time listening to other options and views. Unfortunately, it seems these same people also enjoy spewing their crap at everyone else.
I have seen several blog comments over the years that have really ticked me off. I know the people are ignorant and usually close minded but when they strike a chord that is personal it is hard to deny.
I think if you were to debate that commentor face to face you would totally win (knock the freakin' crap out of their argument!) hands down!!
Motherhood is sacred and however you get there is extremely personal.
I am so happy for you, your husband, and your 3 beautiful children!!
Have a Happy Day!
I'm sorry you had to hear such a stupid comment, Cindy. Honestly, some people are such IDIOTS. Don't feel like you've written something inappropriate, rude, or uncalled for here. You were absolutely right to post this--I can't imagine many rational normal people wouldn't read it and think, "Damn right!" Serioulsy. Where did that woman get her logic? God doesn't want infertile couples to be parents, but it's ok with Him if 13-year-olds are? He just doesn't work that way.
I have only been offended by my MIL on my blog. I quickly deleted the comment, and joked about it for weeks. (Sometimes I think I should have kept it up, just so there was evidence of her weirdness.) Since then, her comments have always been very kind, and only sometimes a little loopy. I keep thinking about the song: "Lord, I would follow thee": "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I think a lot of people who make those blanket statements can't see the sorrow--you are someone that can-- and that is an amazing quality.
That really was very insensitive. Especially regarding an issue like this.
If anyone is trying to have children and are willing to go the extra extra extra mile to have them, I have the utmost respect for them. Because it just shows the love that that couple have.
I really feel sorry that you do have to go through infertility issues. I was told we would never have children more than once. We have 3 now. It was never easy, but I didn't go the extra mile like you and always feel that I was as caring as someone that does.
So my hats off to you Cynthia.
I'm stunned at some people's insensitivity--just . . . wow. I'm with you on this one.
Well said.
Anyone who makes comments like those clearly has never walked in the shoes of someone who has had to deal with infertility or miscarriages or preemies or whatever the case may be.
And to say that "God must not have intended that person to be parents"? How do they know what God intends? If their child were to get sick with a life threatening illness, then should we not treat it because God must not have intended for them to be parents to that child for long?
I get mad too. Now I'm all fueled up. Sorry your feelings were hurt. You are justified in feeling that way. And I probably wouldn't have been so nice. Some people are just so insensitive.
Please e-mail me your mailing address this morning for the gift you won on my blog to:
tryingtostaycalm@gmail.com
So, did God not intend for all of the preemies to survive just because they need medical intervention? What an ignorant comment. Medical breakthroughs are a God given miracle. Anyone who doesn't get that is completely ignorant.
I'm sorry that someone was so insensitive. It makes me so angry when people make such generalities when they have never been through the trial at hand and really have no idea.
I've had one or two anon comments on my blog that I stewed over for days, so I totally get where you're coming from. You're awesome, your family is beautiful and they were definitely worth it to get them here.
I think you have every right to be offended by that person's comment. Clearly they haven't thought out the stupidity behind such a statement.
I too have been offended by comments (and even blog posts!) when perusing through them. My offense, however, is usually towards those extreme right wing conservative statements that hit close to home for me (as a moderate/liberal non-LDS Utahn). Rather than blast them with a follow up comment though, I figure that it's not worth my time and move on to more interesting and productive blogs!
Chalk up that beast's comment to nothing more than pure ignorance and continue to feel blessed with your beautiful children who you more than deserve!
I agree it's a wound that's always ready to be reopened by a thoughtless comment.
I'm sorry that you were exposed to such ignorance.
Wellmy friend, for a self acclaimed rational man you bring God and miracles into your argument with the accompanying emotion.
Debate discussion even arguments must be based on fact as you so correctly put it.
Where did God and miracles creep in?
Other than that I understand your emotion.
Take care and get as much joy as you can everyday.
I am so sorry you were so hurt and offended...some people don't think before they speak (or type).
Thank you! I'm so glad I didn't see that comment. I saw your tweet on twitter and just had to come to your blog.
Being infertile is an emotional rollercoaster and should not be taken lightly by others who have not experienced it. Adoption is easier said than done and what is so wrong with wanting to have your own baby?
Thank you for responding that comment.
That is too bad about the Person with the brain disability... I have several friends with this same issue of fertility. I've seen their hearts break many times... but yet they're so strong. It sounds like you're a very strong person and you're so blessed to have 3 beautiful children. I believe that God educated our Doctors to help those in need... how can that be wrong?
Bald Chemist- the miracle comes in because my daughter was without oxygen for 12 minutes at birth (airway obstruction). Her body was shutting down. There were all kinds of serious medical repercussions going on as a result of the lack of oxygen.
I have been told by multiple doctors and a psycholgist that took care of her in the preemie follow up unit over a 3 year period that, based on her birth history, there is NO MEDICAL EXPLANATION for why she'd perfectly healthy today.
She should have some repercussions from the initial rough start and she doesn't. She's fine. THAT'S where the 'miracle' comes in. When medical science can no longer explain events, I call miracle. You can call it whatever you wish.
Whether she was healthy (as she is) OR had Cerebral Palsy (which is what she apparently SHOULD have based on medical knowlege), we'd still want her and she'd still deserve to be here.
And you are right- it is more of an emotional/ethical arguement. That's why it wasn't worth debating with the original commentor. Especially since the OC's arguement falls completely apart when you extrapolate it on a broader scale to other issues.
Thanks for addressing Baldchemist.
Wow. I can't believe someone actually thinks that, let alone shares it in such a public forum. I'm blown away by that.
I've been offended on more than one occasion by a commenter. The first one was just an animal-lover reacting to my rant about our dogs. But I went to her blog and found a little button that said, "Lds Women Bloggers" and my life literally changed forever in that moment.
The other one was someone saying they liked my blog, but how did I have time? Did my children just run amuck while I blogged?
I wrote a post in reply, that yes, they did. But I don't mind cleaning up messes and teaching my children to clean if it means a little time to myself. They need free time, too. Anyway......I responded just like you did. It's hard not to.
I usually just avoid painful or controversial topics in blogging. I know it makes me sound shallow but I learned a long time ago that when others can comment anonymously they will say horrible things to other people.
It is sad.
I hope you got your anger out. I think your post is well-written and makes your points very well.
One lesson I've been slow to learn is that often you can leave a stupid comment out there and it usually speaks for itself, it needs no counter comment to show the world it is stupid. So I would not waste my time going back to address her comment. You've siad what you needed to say here and this a good place to do it. Obviously you have many supporters here to back you up!
lastly, your love and devotion to your children cannot be overlooked. You are a great mom!
Oh Man!!! I so know this topic! My blood is boiling just thinking about all the stupid comments. One from the very Dr that was supposed to be helping!
I am so sorry you got your feelings hurt. I so understand. But blow it off to stupidity. Absolute Stupidity on their fault!
Anyhow- I have gotten into several debates that as you say turned to anger & emotion. I am not a good debater because I let my emotions get involved!
My brother loves to debate & boy oh boy have we been in some major ones over the church. Not good at all.
"Ignorance is a form of disability" is SO true, but it's also a disability one can overcome by reading and learning, which the ignorant don't bother to do.
But as you said, the important thing is that you have your family and you know you did the right thing for you.
I let comments like that go. Some people are insensitive and just plain stupid.
Do you know that you are meant to have those babies and you have been blessed with miracles? Then that is all that matters.
I struggled for years trying to have my son. It was a very hard time in our lives and not everyone understands. I was told I was "Obsessed"! It can be very lonely. I had my twin sis so I was blessed to have someone to listen to me.
You don't know what someone is feeling until you are on that side of the fence. If you don't know what to say then DON'T SAY ANYTHING!
You just gather those blessings in your arms and don't let that person take one more second of your time. God had a plan for you and you followed it to a T. Have a wonderful weekend.
Saw your tweet & had to come by and see what it was about.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that ignorant comment after having had to deal with infertility all those years. It's wonderful that you persevered and now have three such beautiful children! Yours is a lovely family, and doubtless stronger for all you had to go through. Just hang in there, give thanks for your blessings, and try to ignore the idiots.
And there are sure a lot of them (idiots) in the world, as I found out when I lost my first baby at full term. I can't tell you how many times I had to listen to remarks like "You can have another" or "God wanted your baby with Him" or "It's best he died before you could form a bond with him") (all probably made to comfort but still...) Sheesh. If you don't know what to say, people, just say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and leave it at that.
Hmm, it seems I have a bit of residual emotion about my own experience (after 30 years). Maybe I should blog about it too. :)
XOXO - people are just, oh, I don't know - dumb? Naive? Rude and ignorant? They sure can be all of the above. We miscarried (meaning I) over and over and over and heard the same thing you did - that was God's way of saying our family was big enough. Whatever. the God I believe in doesn't kill babies as a form of birth control. That one remark was made to me over 15 years ago and it still makes me mad. We had other people tell us it was morally wrong to adopt because we had 3 bio kids. Morally wrong. You just can't win...
Depending on where I'm at in life, I sometimes ignore, sometimes educate and sometimes (rarely) blast 'em. :-)
Hugs
Yes, I would be beyond pissed and offended if I had read what you're referring too. Nice way to judge someone. God doesn't want someone to have a biological child if they have issues getting pregnant or having a healthy pregnancy? Nice. Real nice.
Other than that, I can't say I've really been offended by a comment. If I had, I don't remember it. lol
woah! the most offensive is the God comment part! c'mon!
No wonder you were mad! I have been offended by a blog post once before too. It wasn't as bad as yours, but I posted a cute picture of my baby with a binkie in her mouth and someone commented that binkies are horrible and should never be used on babies. People really shouldn't use blog comments as a way to be rude or insensitive!
Post a Comment